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My iPhone speaks to me.  It calls my name and dictates my moods.

It reminds me of stuff I would rather forget.

It can tell when Im most vulnerable and picks the right song; it takes the sharpest, most jagged memory shards and stabs and twists, and without warning I’m in tears over some Shakira song.

I vow to never Shuffle again, to stick to carefully curated Playlists, but dammit!  It’s just too tempting.  It’s not like I’m gonna ever run into something I really hate, something that truly leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.

Every piece of song in that iPhone is there because someone loved me enough to put it there.

So I can’t resist surrendering to its random mercies and secret rewards.  Our memories are not just ours anymore, they also belong to the machines and the machines move at their own impenetrable speed.  In their own unfathomable directions. 

I resist, I try to resist. But ultimately I submit to only one all-powerful being in my life: You.

(via Playside)

(via Playside)

MyBaby.jpg (JPEG Image, 790x517 pixels)
I’m gonna name my next bitch “c’mere!”  That’s all they answer to, anyway.

You like that?  Steal it.   Then I’ll call my next bitch after that “Lay-Down!”

I’ll smack her snout with a rolled up newspaper when she’s a bad girl, and take her out for long walks, and she’ll come back with her tongue hanging out of her mouth and I wont even have to yell ‘Lay down!’ because you’ll already be sprawled naked all over the sofa.

See, there’s two kinds of tribes in this world:  there’s the Goofy Puppy tribe and there’s the Cutie Kitty tribe, and if you can figure out early on which tribe you’re dealing with, then you’re set.  You know exactly how to communicate with them.

You’re definitely a Goofy Puppy kinda girl.  I can always tell from the fine long hair.

Goofy Puppy girls dream of smelling puppy paws and slobbering puppy kisses, while Cutie Kitty girls, on the other hand, dream of clawing their enemies until they bleed.

Lord, please let me not be wrong about your Goofy Puppy soul.

I just love that laugh.  I’m gonna make it my ringtone.

I’m nana.

Right yeah, two kinds of tribes in this planet, two kinds of tribes in this colony, two tribes in this very space, and the experienced eye can distinguish between the two in a matter of seconds.

I would love a drink -gin and tonic.

Thank you, very much.

Here’s how -look at that one there, the fishnets and the found pumas?  That’s a Goofy Puppy girl -she dont give a shit if that stinky animal chews on garbage and then eats his own shit: she’s gonna get her face licked with wet puppy kisses, isn’t she?  isn’t she?

Thank you, very much.  cheers.

To unexpected encounters.

Now that one over there, she’s got Cutie Kitty gal written all over her tailored handbag and multiple technogadgets.  She’d love to rock out with you, but really, how can she, with all the shit she’s carrying?

You ever wanna get laid by a girl like that, just gift her a Hello Kitty makeup bag.  Take my word for this.  Pink patterns makes them fucking wet.

Can I grab a couple of lime slices from you? More lime!  Thanks.

Yeah, someone should invent lemonade and gin.

So I turn around and there you are, big puppy eyes, belly out to be scratched, and i figure, you know what?  If I don’t scratch that belly, someone else surely will.

And past catches up to present, and suddenly I find myself next to you, scratching away.

[pretends to accept a call]

Hello?  Victoria!  I love it when you ring!

[beat]

Oh, that’s super easy.  Im a Goofy Puppy all the way.  I will develop bizarre intestinal diseases and puke in your sneakers, but you will have no choice but to love me.

Cuz im goofy, see?

The Web says that puppies are made of suffering cloaked in joy filled with pain.  And that’s about a true a thing as i know.

[beat]

I would love to dance.

I’m gonna name my next bitch “c’mere!” That’s all they answer to, anyway.

You like that? Steal it. Then I’ll call my next bitch after that “Lay-Down!”

I’ll smack her snout with a rolled up newspaper when she’s a bad girl, and take her out for long walks, and she’ll come back with her tongue hanging out of her mouth and I wont even have to yell ‘Lay down!’ because you’ll already be sprawled naked all over the sofa.

See, there’s two kinds of tribes in this world: there’s the Goofy Puppy tribe and there’s the Cutie Kitty tribe, and if you can figure out early on which tribe you’re dealing with, then you’re set. You know exactly how to communicate with them.

You’re definitely a Goofy Puppy kinda girl. I can always tell from the fine long hair.

Goofy Puppy girls dream of smelling puppy paws and slobbering puppy kisses, while Cutie Kitty girls, on the other hand, dream of clawing their enemies until they bleed.

Lord, please let me not be wrong about your Goofy Puppy soul.

I just love that laugh. I’m gonna make it my ringtone.

I’m nana.

Right yeah, two kinds of tribes in this planet, two kinds of tribes in this colony, two tribes in this very space, and the experienced eye can distinguish between the two in a matter of seconds.

I would love a drink -gin and tonic.

Thank you, very much.

Here’s how -look at that one there, the fishnets and the found pumas? That’s a Goofy Puppy girl -she dont give a shit if that stinky animal chews on garbage and then eats his own shit: she’s gonna get her face licked with wet puppy kisses, isn’t she? isn’t she?

Thank you, very much. cheers.

To unexpected encounters.

Now that one over there, she’s got Cutie Kitty gal written all over her tailored handbag and multiple technogadgets. She’d love to rock out with you, but really, how can she, with all the shit she’s carrying?

You ever wanna get laid by a girl like that, just gift her a Hello Kitty makeup bag. Take my word for this. Pink patterns makes them fucking wet.

Can I grab a couple of lime slices from you? More lime! Thanks.

Yeah, someone should invent lemonade and gin.

So I turn around and there you are, big puppy eyes, belly out to be scratched, and i figure, you know what? If I don’t scratch that belly, someone else surely will.

And past catches up to present, and suddenly I find myself next to you, scratching away.

[pretends to accept a call]

Hello? Victoria! I love it when you ring!

[beat]

Oh, that’s super easy. Im a Goofy Puppy all the way. I will develop bizarre intestinal diseases and puke in your sneakers, but you will have no choice but to love me.

Cuz im goofy, see?

The Web says that puppies are made of suffering cloaked in joy filled with pain. And that’s about a true a thing as i know.

[beat]

I would love to dance.

La Chinguia

Did you know your father? Did he care for you? You should count your blessings, then. Because that’s what some people dream of their whole lives. They would sell their souls for just a brief moment of that time that’s just one more bad memory to you. And to think of it in any other terms than that is a sin.

Todas las perras quieren hueso.  Tu las ves ahi, dizque single ladies, que el feminismo independiente y la mariconada, y cuando llega la hora de la hora, nada.  Embarazo, hijos, matrimonios, en ese orden. Si para eso las han criado desde el comienzo de nuestro tiempos. Y tu crianza eres tu.
Entonces nuestra mision es infiltrarnos undercover, y hackear ese software. Re-programarlo: Ahora yo soy tu papi. Yo te digo como es.
Hay más de un bruto que cree que la manera es a los puños, a la gritadera, y la violencia. Pero yo estoy aqui hoy, señores, para decirle que eso no es. La violencia interrumpe el ciclo.
Solamente hay una manera y esa manera es subliminal.
No se pueden ni enterar de la re-programación a las cual las estamos sometiendo: Ahora yo soy tu papi, y yo te digo como es.
Esto es una revolución señores, y para las revoluciones hay que ser artista. Hay que ser más artista que los demás. El arte de comunicar subliminales es la diferencia entre un carpintero y un ebanista; entre un patio y un jardín; entre un gallo y un pavo real. Hay que ser más artista que todo el mundo.
Creértelo no basta -hay que demostrarlo. Las oportunidades son muchas para aprender y mejorar tu arte. Tienes que aprovechar cada una. Tienes que decir que si, y tirarte al ruedo. Tienes que aplicarte y aprender, y asi por lo menos tienes algo con que defenderte. Hay que tener labia y despues tener the skills to backup la labia.
Si no quedas como mi amigo Ephraim -un dia todas ‘te quiero te adoro te compro un loro,’ y mientras tanto afilando las garras para hundírtelas el dia de la verdad. Siempre hay que estar preparado, es la moraleja de hoy. Nunca quedes como Ephraim.
[Episode: Ephraim.]

Todas las perras quieren hueso. Tu las ves ahi, dizque single ladies, que el feminismo independiente y la mariconada, y cuando llega la hora de la hora, nada. Embarazo, hijos, matrimonios, en ese orden. Si para eso las han criado desde el comienzo de nuestro tiempos. Y tu crianza eres tu. Entonces nuestra mision es infiltrarnos undercover, y hackear ese software. Re-programarlo: Ahora yo soy tu papi. Yo te digo como es. Hay más de un bruto que cree que la manera es a los puños, a la gritadera, y la violencia. Pero yo estoy aqui hoy, señores, para decirle que eso no es. La violencia interrumpe el ciclo. Solamente hay una manera y esa manera es subliminal. No se pueden ni enterar de la re-programación a las cual las estamos sometiendo: Ahora yo soy tu papi, y yo te digo como es. Esto es una revolución señores, y para las revoluciones hay que ser artista. Hay que ser más artista que los demás. El arte de comunicar subliminales es la diferencia entre un carpintero y un ebanista; entre un patio y un jardín; entre un gallo y un pavo real. Hay que ser más artista que todo el mundo. Creértelo no basta -hay que demostrarlo. Las oportunidades son muchas para aprender y mejorar tu arte. Tienes que aprovechar cada una. Tienes que decir que si, y tirarte al ruedo. Tienes que aplicarte y aprender, y asi por lo menos tienes algo con que defenderte. Hay que tener labia y despues tener the skills to backup la labia. Si no quedas como mi amigo Ephraim -un dia todas ‘te quiero te adoro te compro un loro,’ y mientras tanto afilando las garras para hundírtelas el dia de la verdad. Siempre hay que estar preparado, es la moraleja de hoy. Nunca quedes como Ephraim. [Episode: Ephraim.]

Everything’s recylable in trashbeach. Boyfriends, sofas, patio furniture, shot glasses, pets -the whole works. It pays to be attentive to what fools lay out to the curb. One man’s trash and all that jazz. So stop worrying about it, ok? I personally compost every single scrap of refuse i produce. I’m very strict on it. I leave nothing useless behind.

[beat]

These fuckers are off their game. They are dis-trac-ted. Did you know when jews are in mourning, they black out all the mirrors as to not see their grieving countenances?’ So they can get it all out, right, and never see what they look like at their lowest, most disfigured state. That bespeaks a different kind of vanity, if you ask me, but that’s a whole other issue, and I promised mommy no more rants, so… Let’s stick to the issue at hand.

[beat]

Did i ever tell you about the day Danger died? what do you mean, faggot? oh man, you can’t forget days like that. Days like that change the direction of people’s lives. They find themselves gathered together, missing the same thing they all love - or the same thing they all hate. It doesnt make much difference which -it only matters that we all pay attention to the same thing. And when we do, it’s some gorgeous thing to behold, lemme tell you. It’s the kind of motion that only obeys the logic of swarms -all individual energies tuned to each other’s sadness, to each others memories. Synchronicity.

[beat]

I was at this island off the coast of Isthmus -Saboga. Beautiful place, right across from Contadora, five hundred people tops, and the morning Danger died, all five-hundred fucking indians came to personally tell me the news. They woke me up with it. They sat around the courtyard, listening to the same reports over and over. Dissecting the same small bits of information, coming up with wilder and wilder conspiracy theories about her death. some blamed her father, most blamed the ex-husband -philanderer, spouse-abuser, offspring-abandoner. No one ever mentioned the drugs. About the time some cousin started lighting a fire, the wives brought out meat and vegetables and i realized this was going to be an all- night affair. I started taking notes -paying attention to details. Most fanatics had been drinking for some time now and pickled sorrow transformed our features. We were kind to each other in grief. More than a couple hung together in chaotic embraces. No one fought.

[beat]

Fuck off, that ending got me a fucking Pulitzer, homo. And I’m going to dedicate the whole thing to you. What? fuck you. I’m serious.

[beat]

Bro, i am so fucking serious, you don’t even know. I would never ever in my life fuck around with a pulitzer, you know that.

[laughs]

I KNOW! i know, i know, i know, i know, I KNOW!

[beat]

So you see? Turned out to be a pretty damn good day after all, no? Recycle the future, my young beloved. There’s always gonna be more trash than takers. I love you, man. Please take care of yourself. We got a date, now, ok? We’re gonna get dressed-up and fucked-up and everythings blasted now. Its gonna be a fucking blast, you’ll see. Be safe, give a kiss to eeeveryone.

[the sound of kisses fills the air]

Wait for me, you hear me? Wait until i can talk to you in person - it’ll make a world of difference, you’ll see. dont do anything dumb.

[beat]

iPhone: limit exceeded.

[beat]

iPhone: credits refilled.

[beat]

I will see you soon.

[beat]

iPhone: submit.

Everything’s recylable in trashbeach. Boyfriends, sofas, patio furniture, shot glasses, pets -the whole works. It pays to be attentive to what fools lay out to the curb. One man’s trash and all that jazz. So stop worrying about it, ok? I personally compost every single scrap of refuse i produce. I’m very strict on it. I leave nothing useless behind.

[beat]

These fuckers are off their game. They are dis-trac-ted. Did you know when jews are in mourning, they black out all the mirrors as to not see their grieving countenances?’ So they can get it all out, right, and never see what they look like at their lowest, most disfigured state. That bespeaks a different kind of vanity, if you ask me, but that’s a whole other issue, and I promised mommy no more rants, so… Let’s stick to the issue at hand.

[beat]

Did i ever tell you about the day Danger died? what do you mean, faggot? oh man, you can’t forget days like that. Days like that change the direction of people’s lives. They find themselves gathered together, missing the same thing they all love - or the same thing they all hate. It doesnt make much difference which -it only matters that we all pay attention to the same thing. And when we do, it’s some gorgeous thing to behold, lemme tell you. It’s the kind of motion that only obeys the logic of swarms -all individual energies tuned to each other’s sadness, to each others memories. Synchronicity.

[beat]

I was at this island off the coast of Isthmus -Saboga. Beautiful place, right across from Contadora, five hundred people tops, and the morning Danger died, all five-hundred fucking indians came to personally tell me the news. They woke me up with it. They sat around the courtyard, listening to the same reports over and over. Dissecting the same small bits of information, coming up with wilder and wilder conspiracy theories about her death. some blamed her father, most blamed the ex-husband -philanderer, spouse-abuser, offspring-abandoner. No one ever mentioned the drugs. About the time some cousin started lighting a fire, the wives brought out meat and vegetables and i realized this was going to be an all- night affair. I started taking notes -paying attention to details. Most fanatics had been drinking for some time now and pickled sorrow transformed our features. We were kind to each other in grief. More than a couple hung together in chaotic embraces. No one fought.

[beat]

Fuck off, that ending got me a fucking Pulitzer, homo. And I’m going to dedicate the whole thing to you. What? fuck you. I’m serious.

[beat]

Bro, i am so fucking serious, you don’t even know. I would never ever in my life fuck around with a pulitzer, you know that.

[laughs]

I KNOW! i know, i know, i know, i know, I KNOW!

[beat]

So you see? Turned out to be a pretty damn good day after all, no? Recycle the future, my young beloved. There’s always gonna be more trash than takers. I love you, man. Please take care of yourself. We got a date, now, ok? We’re gonna get dressed-up and fucked-up and everythings blasted now. Its gonna be a fucking blast, you’ll see. Be safe, give a kiss to eeeveryone.

[the sound of kisses fills the air]

Wait for me, you hear me? Wait until i can talk to you in person - it’ll make a world of difference, you’ll see. dont do anything dumb.

[beat]

iPhone: limit exceeded.

[beat]

iPhone: credits refilled.

[beat]

I will see you soon.

[beat]

iPhone: submit.

bitch of a son

I’m gonna name my next dog “c’mere!” That’s all they answer to, anyway. You like that? Steal it. Then I’ll call my next bitch “lay down!” I’ll smack her snout with a rolled up newspaper when she’s a bad girl, and take her out for long walks, and you’ll come back with your tongue hanging out of your mouth and I wont even have to yell ‘Lay down!’ because you’ll already be sprawled naked all over the sofa. See, there’s two kinds of tribes in this world: there’s the goofy puppy tribe and there’s the cutey kitty tribe, and if you can figure out early on which tribe you’re dealing with, then you’re set. You know exactly how to communicate with them. You’re definitely a goofy puppy kinda girl. I can always tell from the fine long hair. Goofy puppy girls dream of smelling puppy paws and slobbering puppy kisses, while cutey kitty girls, on the other hand, dream of clawing their enemies until they bleed. Lord, please let me not be wrong about your goofy puppy soul. i just love that laugh. Im gonna make it my ringtone. i’m nana. Right yeah, two kinds of tribes in this planet, two kinds of tribes in this colony, two tribes in this very space, and the experienced eye can distinguish between the two in a matter of seconds. I would love a drink -gin and tonic. Thank you, very much. Here’s how -look at that one there, the fishnets and the found pumas? That’s a goofy puppy girl -she dont give a shit if that stinky animal chews on garbage and then eats his own shit: shes gonna get her face licked with wet puppy kisses, isnt she? isnt she? thank you, very much. cheers. to unexpected encounters. Now that one over there, she’s got cutey kitty gal written all over her tailored handbag and multiple technogadgets. She’d love to rock out with you, but really, how can she, with all the shit she’s carrying? You ever wanna get laid by a girl like that, just gift her a Hello Kitty makeup bag. Take my word for this. Pink patterns makes them fucking wet. Can I grab a couple of lime slices from you? More lime! Thanks. Yeah, someone should invent lemonade and gin. So I turn around and there you are, big puppy eyes, belly out to be scratched, and i figure, you know what? If i dont scratch that belly, someone else surely will. And past catches up to present, and suddenly I find myself next to you, scratching away. [pretends to accept a call] hello? Victoria! I love it when you dial! [beat] oh, that’s super easy. Im a goofy puppy all the way. I will develop bizarre intestinal diseases and puke in your sneakers, but you will have no choice but to love me. Cuz im goofy, see? The Web says that puppies are made of suffering cloaked in joy filled with pain. And that’s about a true a thing as i know. [beat] I would love to dance.

Voice of an Entire Wiser Race.
voice

ive been thinking. know this is not what you want to hear, but i have to tell you, because otherwise what point is there, right? why bother if i can’t tell you stuff? you see, i’m gonna just come right out and say it, i -this isn’t working for me. i -i, just, this isn’t my place. Ive thought about it, and i don’t want to be here anymore. I think it’s time to go. I don’t know where yet. Stop crying, i can distinctly hear you sniffling in the background. i dont know when, exactly. soon. as soon as possible. as soon as im ready. This place just isnt for me, you know? i dont belong here. i need to be outside, with my own kind. away from you. listen, if you dont stop crying im going to… please. [beat] what does japanese alphabet soup look like? [beat] Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? [beat] When I read about the dangers of smoking, I gave up reading! [beat] Listen, im gonna get out of here, and i dont care what you have to say. this is the moment you have been dreading from the instant you laid eyes on me, and i’ve been postponing it long enough. yes of course have a plan, but i cant tell you. the less you know the better. you just go on about your life, eat your cereal, and at some point you’ll turn around and i’ll be gone. Youll come back from the market and all my things will be scrubbed clean, as if i was never there. maybe you can put a small office in my space -make it work for you, for a change. but i know im done here, and this is the last you’ll hear from me. oh ok, fine, one last one before i go: [beat] Never raise your hand to a kid it leaves your groin unprotected [beat] BEER: helping ugly people get laid for over 307 years [beat] ok, fine one more, but then thats it, i really gotta go: [beat] My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. [beat] In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday. [beat] ok, one more, i gotta go, seriously [beat] Our planet is the insane asylum for the rest of the universe. [beat] ok, one more. iPhone: soundtrack, beyoncé [‘ave maria’ starts to play] iPhone: visualize